| Author | Message | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2493 Registered: 08-2003 |
A Lotus in San Miguel (possible) I read your breath in seven tongues-- the sa sa of a Wang Wei poem. My legs cross and uncross as I interpret your enigma, sunrise on flagstone that cannot feel the surface. At dinner you tie the strings of your wife’s blouse, your fingers nettle on her wrists. Her hair a curtain drawn in flint, she tilts her chin and offers benediction. You are the white skinned lotus, born on the roof of an orphanage. I cannot touch you. Desire floats in the dome of La Parroquia, flaps its wings. Rests for a moment in the closed eyes of a dove. ORIGINAL: I read your breath in seven tongues, the sa sa of a Wang Wei poem. My legs cross and uncross interpreting you like sun on flagstone that lights the path but cannot feel the surface. At dinner I watch you tie the strings of Sara's blouse, your fingers nettle on her wrists. Her hair a curtain drawn in flint, she tilts her chin and offers benediction. You are the white skinned lotus, born on the roof of an orphanage where no one touches you. My desire floats in the dome of the parroquia. It flaps its wings. Rests for a moment in the closed eyes of a dove. *Sough sough | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3668 Registered: 07-2003 |
Nice to see you are back Emusing,on the whole a good read here esp the last stanza. Only bit I questioned was in seven tongues somehow that felt less original than the rest. | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 805 Registered: 10-2005 |
E- There is so much going on here and so little at the same time. I love the journey through each little stroke that makes up the whole. The ending is fine. What you've done here is simply stop time! "nettle of her wrists" is the line that punches through for me. One thing you might do: Put a star to where you have for the pronunciation of sa sa, so I can quickly look it up. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2496 Registered: 08-2003 |
Zeph thanks I thought about that. What about "breath" instead of eyes. "I read your breath in seven tongues." Which would also align with the "sa sa" (the sound of wind through trees). Or do you think changing the line altogether? Laz what do you think about that? I had the asterisk and then took it out. Maybe I'll stick it back. Want to see what others think. Thank you for your input. I know the poem is somewhat enigmatic but it's meant to be. If it seems unclear as to "person" please let me know. I saw the birds flying in the dome of the parroquia. What a beautiful sight. E | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3677 Registered: 07-2003 |
I read the lyrics in your breath? BTW I googled and looked in the thesaurus for parroquia...all I could find was a hotel? | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6347 Registered: 07-2001 |
Ah, my Wang Wei in a poem. Extra smiles. nettle on her wrists. Her hair a curtain drawn in flint, she tilts her chin and offers benediction. You are the white skinned lotus, born on the roof of an orphanage where no one touches you. My desire floats in the dome of the parroquia. Love the nettle, lotus and parroquia, the church. VG work. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6368 Registered: 11-1998 |
Very nice work, E. My only specific nit comes here: "My legs cross and uncross interpreting you like sun on flagstone that lights the path but cannot feel the surface" Take just the phrase "My legs cross and uncross / interpreting you like sun" -- that structure makes it sound as though the legs are doing the interpreting, not the narrator. I would fiddle a bit with the structure to eliminate that problem. The only general nit I have is that it is difficult to ascertain the relationship of the narrator, the you, and Sarah. Since the you ties Sarah blouse, I assume that Sarah is a child or invalid incapable of doing this for herself. However, the relationships still remain mostly a mystery and I thought giving just a few more clues to how these people are related to one another would enhance the intimacy of their interactions. Hope something I've said will help. | ||
| Carol Sanger
New member Username: carolsang Post Number: 28 Registered: 01-2006 |
I don't think you need an asterisk - either place. Instead I think you could leave sa sa in italics and put in italics as the end of the poem: sa sa is pronounced sough sough. The poem is short enough, the eye will float down. The italics will encourage the reader to do so. I read in your breath sa sa the tongues of a Wang Wei poem. Perhaps? Legs moving doesn't get me to "interpreting", I'm afraid. I very much like the image of sun (so important as this person ovbiously is) on flagstone seeing but not feeling the surface. You are the white skinned lotus, born on the roof of an orphanage where no one touches you. My desire Would you consider deleting "where"? The "you" may have been born on the roof, but she/he probably isn't there now. floats in the dome of the parroquia. It flaps its wings. Rests for a moment in the closed eyes of a dove. Lovely lovely lovely. This is a very interior love, very quiet but beating with the strong wings of the birds in the parroquia. The image is a sweeping one for me, yet bittersweet. Carol} | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2503 Registered: 08-2003 |
Zeph parroquia is spanish for school but in this case, it is the name of a beautiful church in San Miguel de Allende. I capped that in the poem for clarity. http://www.sanmiguel-de-allende.com/images/Parroquia.jpg I hope this is helpful to make the image clear. May change "dome" to something specific to this architecture. Thanks for coming back! Gar, Wang Wei seems to have taken over my life! I have you to thank for that. Who knew I would run into an authority on the subject in San Miguel! M thank you so much for pointing out what works and what needs some changes. I hope I have removed some of the ambiguity. I am placing a revision at the end of this message. I will post it as revised once I have the final comments in. Carol I really appreciate your insights. I changed the legs to make the the idea a bit clearer. I am considering kicking the legs out altogether but I think they work better now. I defined the characters and removed the "where" and replaced with a bold statement in the final stanza. I read your breath in seven tongues-- the sa sa of a Wang Wei poem. My legs cross and uncross as I interpret your enigma like sunrise on flagstone that cannot feel the street. At dinner you tie the strings of your wife’s blouse, your fingers nettle on her wrists. Her hair a curtain drawn in flint, she tilts her chin and offers benediction. You are the white skinned lotus, born on the roof of an orphanage. I cannot touch you. Desire floats in the dome of La Parroquia. It flaps its wings. Rests for a moment in the closed eyes of a dove. | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 828 Registered: 10-2005 |
E- The revision is wonderful. I feel close now to the person and to the narrator's experience. I do wish I wasn't dumb about Wang Wei and could read sa sa as sough sough. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2515 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laz, thanks for coming back. You would say sa sa as you read it. Only the translation can tell you what it means. Believe me, no one could translate this unless they spoke Chinese! I happened to come across it and just loved the way it felt on my ear. When I learned the meaning I new it had to enter the poem  E | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 830 Registered: 10-2005 |
Now I'm confused. I thought sough was the sound of sa. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2929 Registered: 12-2003 |
Emusing, a lovely poem, and fine revision. I like the sa sa too, I'm glad it found it's way into your poem. K | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3820 Registered: 07-2002 |
E--this is a beautiful work. My only substantiative suggestion would be to use a title that somehow echoed the relationship between the people in the poem. Some very minor thoughts in-line. I read your breath in seven tongues-- the sa sa of a Wang Wei poem. My legs cross and uncross. I interpret your enigma, sunrise on flagstone that cannot feel the street. <--mostly line break shifts and some minor punctuation changes, elimination of some bridging words. At dinner you tie the strings of your wife’s blouse, your fingers nettle on her wrists. Her hair a curtain drawn in flint, she tilts her chin and offers benediction. You are the white skinned lotus, born on the roof of an orphanage. I cannot touch you. Desire floats in the dome of La Parroquia, flaps its wings. Rests for a moment in the closed eyes of a dove. <--line break suggested change and elim of one 'It' The strength of this is in its subtlety. The triangle is there, but we don't know much about the three, and that's just fine. But a different title would pull this to closure. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2516 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laz you are right in that sough sough (pronounced "sow, sow") is the translation of sa sa. Sough is the sound of the wind or water rippling. That whooo or whoosh as I perceive it. I like the sound of sa sa (saaaah saaaah) as opposed to “sow sow” which reminds me of “cow cow” lol. Well for that matter, that sow is a pig! Lisa, Your subtle changes are just the finishing cloth I need to complete the work. I agree that the title needs amplification and will work on that. Any suggestions from the crowd appreciated. (Here we go again I’m always in search of a good title lately! Endless thanks for looking in. E | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2517 Registered: 08-2003 |
Kathy I'm glad you like the sa sa! I believe I'll be lingering in the realm of the Chinese poets for a long time to come. E | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 602 Registered: 08-2004 |
E, This is absolutely lovely. Those dove eyes will stick with me forever. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Dan Cox
Valued Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 130 Registered: 08-2005 |
E, no nits from me, just stopped by to enjoy the development of this piece. I love the revision... S2 my favorite. good work. Dan | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2524 Registered: 08-2003 |
Thanks so much Dan. That's the stanza I struggled with the most so it's good to hear it's your fav. E | ||
| Carol Sanger
New member Username: carolsang Post Number: 32 Registered: 01-2006 |
E Title options A White Lotus in San Miguel The Sa Sa of Desire What you have done is quite beautiful and it is much clearer now - for me at least! Carol | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2526 Registered: 08-2003 |
Karen thank you. I know why some of the great poets travelled. Seeing these birds fly in the dome of the parrish with the sunlight allowed the desire to find a home. Carol, maybe A Lotus in San Miguel. Hmmmm Good suggestions. I'm glad it's all clear now. E |
